One of the things that amazes me is that I am not an athlete. I don't mean this in a "putting myself down" kind of way. I really am not an athlete. I am just a guy with a brain injury. I am a guy that sat in cubicle and played video games. I was relativly content.
When I had my TBI I entered a new world. It was a shock. It was new language, a new me, a new everything. I was trying so hard to learn this new world. However my brain was new as well.
I got angry. I got angry at the lack of progress. I got angry my S.S. worker was on mat leave and there was no one to replace her. I got angry that when I moved in with my parents in another area I slipped through the cracks of social service. I got angry the brain surgeon was such an ass. I got angry I had to rely on my parents to take me places. I got angry my job didn't work out. I got angry school didn't work out. I got angry my wife had to get another job to make the mortgage payments. I got angry when the brain injury association closed down. I got angry at everything. Sometimes I got angry at being angry.
I ran when I was angry. However I was never angry at the end of a run. Running became something I could do by myself. I am not a great runner. I am not a fast runner. However I am a consistent distance runner. I don't start strong but I always finish.
When my attempts at school failed it really hit me heard. I felt useless, I felt unreliable, I felt like less of a man. I felt that there was more to life than this. I had so much inside me trying to get out.
I started thinking about running across the country. It was not because I am altruistic, it was not because I was hoping to get people excited about running.
I started running because I was angry. I wanted to do this run because of what I was able to do for myself, by running. I felt like I could do something. Like I could add something. I could do something that made up for some, of what I was unable to do.
It lead me to running across the country. It lead me to realizing I can do so many things. It lead me to think of the change that can happen. I mean if a guy who worked in a cubicle and his biggest achievement was Xbox live Gamer Tag rating, could run across the country. Imagine what others can do.
There are times I wish I had this drive before. I do. I miss the previous me sometimes. However, and this is weird for me to be the guy saying this, if someone else can reach that same level of drive avoiding the brain injury part. Just imagine what they can do.
If you work hard enough, if you reach out hard enough, you can do anything.
Thoughts while Running.
When I had my TBI I entered a new world. It was a shock. It was new language, a new me, a new everything. I was trying so hard to learn this new world. However my brain was new as well.
I got angry. I got angry at the lack of progress. I got angry my S.S. worker was on mat leave and there was no one to replace her. I got angry that when I moved in with my parents in another area I slipped through the cracks of social service. I got angry the brain surgeon was such an ass. I got angry I had to rely on my parents to take me places. I got angry my job didn't work out. I got angry school didn't work out. I got angry my wife had to get another job to make the mortgage payments. I got angry when the brain injury association closed down. I got angry at everything. Sometimes I got angry at being angry.
I ran when I was angry. However I was never angry at the end of a run. Running became something I could do by myself. I am not a great runner. I am not a fast runner. However I am a consistent distance runner. I don't start strong but I always finish.
When my attempts at school failed it really hit me heard. I felt useless, I felt unreliable, I felt like less of a man. I felt that there was more to life than this. I had so much inside me trying to get out.
I started thinking about running across the country. It was not because I am altruistic, it was not because I was hoping to get people excited about running.
I started running because I was angry. I wanted to do this run because of what I was able to do for myself, by running. I felt like I could do something. Like I could add something. I could do something that made up for some, of what I was unable to do.
It lead me to running across the country. It lead me to realizing I can do so many things. It lead me to think of the change that can happen. I mean if a guy who worked in a cubicle and his biggest achievement was Xbox live Gamer Tag rating, could run across the country. Imagine what others can do.
There are times I wish I had this drive before. I do. I miss the previous me sometimes. However, and this is weird for me to be the guy saying this, if someone else can reach that same level of drive avoiding the brain injury part. Just imagine what they can do.
If you work hard enough, if you reach out hard enough, you can do anything.
Thoughts while Running.
I did not want to run today. I am still sick and I get whiny when I am sick. Just ask my wife. To add to the fact that I was sick it was between -10c and 1.6c temperature wise. It was cold. My runny noise froze to my face. I could not use my drink tube because the tube froze. However the sun was out and the run was like running in a masterpiece. It was so beautiful.
So my thoughts today went something like this.
It's cold. It's so cold, It is so very, very cold.
It's so early.
I am so sore. My toe hurts. My big toe on my left foot. The nail hurts. I don't want to run.
The weather here is like an abusive relationship. It starts of beautifully, perfect, full off promise. Only to abuse you, beat you up, be full of empty promises. Then just when you want to end the relationship. Newfoundland apologizes and seduces you back in. Full of wonder and promises. It is a cyclical. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's really bad.
Today was the day where you are so taken by her beauty you can forgive the mild flaws, and occasional abuse. You can make excuses for it. Only to realize her flaws are destroying your love of her. Then your are once again lost in her beauty. She is seductive.
So many emotions today. It was one of those runs where you want to push yourself. You just feel the run. The circumstances are right. I can run forever. I can loose myself in the motion and just push.
Today was amazing. The run was amazing. The scenery was amazing. The pain was amazing. The people driving past us were amazing. It was a perfect day. I ran farther than I thought I would.
That is what I did today. What did you do?
So my thoughts today went something like this.
It's cold. It's so cold, It is so very, very cold.
It's so early.
I am so sore. My toe hurts. My big toe on my left foot. The nail hurts. I don't want to run.
The weather here is like an abusive relationship. It starts of beautifully, perfect, full off promise. Only to abuse you, beat you up, be full of empty promises. Then just when you want to end the relationship. Newfoundland apologizes and seduces you back in. Full of wonder and promises. It is a cyclical. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's really bad.
Today was the day where you are so taken by her beauty you can forgive the mild flaws, and occasional abuse. You can make excuses for it. Only to realize her flaws are destroying your love of her. Then your are once again lost in her beauty. She is seductive.
So many emotions today. It was one of those runs where you want to push yourself. You just feel the run. The circumstances are right. I can run forever. I can loose myself in the motion and just push.
Today was amazing. The run was amazing. The scenery was amazing. The pain was amazing. The people driving past us were amazing. It was a perfect day. I ran farther than I thought I would.
That is what I did today. What did you do?
I didn't do anything as awe inspiring or thought provoking as you. Keep up the great running! You ARE a ROCKSTAR!
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